Yeah, yeah, Halloween house parties and sexy nurse costumes are all well and good, but, real talk, it’s about the candy. You’ve got apps on your phone to increase your productivity and a smart watch for better efficiency, and with that in mind, we’re going to help you maximize your Halloween experience with minimal effort. Like a spooky Tim Ferriss on a definitely-not-4-Hour Diet-approved sugar binge, we’ve done the hardcore analysis, run the numbers and are pleased to present the definitive Halloween candy rankings.
The Best of the Best
1. Reese's Peanut Butter Cups - Obviously the G.O.A.T, the pb cup’s dominance cannot be questioned and it's deliciousness is un-fuckwitable.
2. Jolly Ranchers - Sure, lemon and grape suck, but the utter deliciousness of green apple and watermelon make these a perennial winner.
3. Snickers - The OG of the game, Snickers has chocolate and peanuts on lock. We see you peanut M&M’s, we see you.
4. Sour Patch Kids - Like a sour slap in the face from a bitter ex, SPK's are legendary. Red is tops, of course, but don’t sleep on orange.
5. Almond Joy - A darkhorse sneaks into the top 5, it’s like taking a mini tropical vacation. Plus almonds are pretty much a salad.
Honorary Mention: Tootsie Pops
Sure, they taste like sugary plastic with a confusingly flavored center (Dafuq is that? Chocolate?), but the pure nostalgia of a tootsie pop demands respect as a Hall of Famer.
The Worst of the Worst
1. Candy Corns - The undisputed grossest, dumbest candy in the game. The person behind these abominations should be punched in the face and never allowed to listen to Drake again.
2. A Box of Raisins from the Hendersons - Seriously Jan? You’re giving out mini boxes of organic raisins to kids on Halloween? That’s just mean and totally stupid. Not cool Jan, not cool at all.
3. Three Musketeers - The worst candy bar in the biz, no doubt. The filling in the middle? That’s drywall spackle right?
4. Butterfinger - Dear Butterfinger, your primary flavor component is chemicals then? That’s what you are going with? Awful.
5. A Can of Soup From Old Man Johansson - Sure a can of cream of mushroom soup from 1993 is pretty terrible but at least it’s sort of funny. Raisins are not funny Jan, NOT FUNNY.
Not-So-Honorary Mention: Anything in white chocolate
How dare you call that disgusting mockery chocolate? So sinister is white chocolate that it can ruin any solid, reputable candy like a KitKat simply by being part of the equation.