Location: The Combat Gent Home Office
There's a buzz in the office, and not just because the beer was ice cold and there was a plethora of delicious snacks and dips on offer. The real source of the excitement is that our favorite time of year had arrived. The time when co-workers become foes; when office mates become opposing forces whose hopes and dreams you want, nay, NEED to viciously crush. Yup, you bet your ass, it’s office fantasy football time.
This year, we’re, and by "we" I mean, myself, your trusty Editor in Chief, and the yin to my yang, the Stephen A. Smith to my Skip Bayless, our COO Imran, are taking you deep inside the Combat Gent Office Fantasy Draft and breaking down all the action, shit talking, and idiotic picks. What’s that smell? Yup, that’s an asskicking coming out of the oven.
We’re using a 12 man PPR set up and league participants are: Scott, Imran, Sunil (VP of Finance), Nicole (UX/UI Designer), Eric (Made To Measure Tailor), Jordan (Director of Lifestyle), Mo (CPO, co-founder), Sharan (Marketing Director), Dan (VP of Engineering), James (Engineer) with Moose (iOS Engineer) as his GM, Stelio Kontos (CRO), and a monkey.
Ok, not really a monkey, but for fun, we decided to play with lives and emotions and have one team auto draft and play the entire season, just to see how well the Yahoo robots actually would do against their human subjects. A cruel joke perhaps, but we care not about the emotions of the common man in our fantasy league.
5:21 pm - Our CEO announces that the house will match the winning pot and all of a sudden the tension intensifies. Jordan chugs a beer and Imran craps himself just a tiny bit. I continued to eat chips and salsa with the savagery of a lion enjoying a fresh zebra kill.
5:30 pm - Draft begins
Scott: Round 1 went pretty much as expected, that is until Mo made the first of many reaches and picked Cam Newton at 7. Not to be outdone, Sharan upped the ante and took da virgin gawd Russell Wilson at pick 10. Apparently all the hummus clouded her vision or she just thought he was hot. Sure, the conventional wisdom is that you don’t win your league at the draft but picks like that beg to differ. I can already smell the finals. They smell like ribs.
Imran: First of all, I want to go back to 5:21 for a second. I didn’t crap myself. A little came out and it went back in. That is what we call a pump fake. Second of all, Auto Mo used to piss us off because the system would take the full 30 seconds. But this is way sweeter - Manual Mo is always good for a few wrenches in everyone’s draft plans. And I don’t mean that in a bad way, aka “ugghhh why did you have to draft Jordy Nelson I was gonna get him.” No, I mean, “uhh you drafted Cam in the first round, I didn’t anticipate you being the Michael Jordan of GMs and jacking up my system, now I have too many options so thanks a lot.” Also, Mo made an offhand comment about how he sees his and Sharan’s interaction as that of a mentor-mentee, so that explains a lot, yet nothing at all. Anyways, congrats on drafting Wilson in the 1st round Sharan, now no one can grab him in the 8th.
Scott: Round 2 was solid, I liked getting Lev Bell at the bottom of the round and Imran, getting Jordy Nelson with the last pick of the round was very nice value. In other news, the salami plate is on point.
Imran: Everyone is starting to settle in. Le’Veon is one of those picks that could slide to the third round, but you don’t want to make the mistake of passing him over because he might not be there the following round. Look, I just re-read that last sentence over and it basically sounds like I just explained the fucking concept of drafting, but trust me it makes sense.
5:57 pm - The tortilla chips run out and there’s a near riot. Thankfully a backup bag tames the wildling horde.
Scott: Stelio is hitting the algorithmic pick analyzer hard and totally ignoring the beer, what a loser. Mo’s Tavon Austin pick creates an uproar of laughter and mocking. Sharan’s pick of CJ Anderson at the end of the round somewhat made up for her first round pick, that’s great value.
Imran: I specifically remember you yelling at noone in particular, “I WILL BURN THIS B*TCH DOWN IF I DON’T HAVE MORE CHIPS 3 SECONDS AGO.”
Scott: Now we’re getting to the nitty gritty. Sunil grabbing Randall Cobb this deep is the steal of the draft so far, too bad he’s a Patriot’s fan though, that sort of tells you what you need to know about him. Jordan Reed and Greg Olsen going this early is confusing though.
Imran: This draft year feels like there is a shift in the way we are valuing the skill players. Last year, we went RB-heavy, and this year we’re going receiver-heavy. Some of these coaches are utilizing TE’s as big WR’s, so I can see why some of these guys go earlier than usual.
Scott: I liked getting Eric Decker this late but Jordan stealing my planned 6th round pick of Melvin Gordon witht the last pick of this round really sucks. Imran, how do you feel about James reaching for walking emergency room Arian Foster this early?
Imran: I’m actually curious to see how Foster in Miami turns out. I like his style of play and work ethic, but Tannehill’s deep ball is about as good as mine, so their backfield is going to have to find ways to create space.
Scott: So let me clarify, you’re saying your deep ball is terrible, right? Maybe the most disconcerting thing though is that the autodraft robot is quietly building a great team.
Imran: Let’s face it, it’s only a matter of time until the robots kill us all. But come talk to me when the machines start making my coffee, building my cars in factories, and washing my clothes. Until then, we are a long way away from a machine takeover.
Rounds 6 - 9
Scott: The QB run starts with, count ‘em, 8 QB’s coming off the board in 4 rounds. James taking Mariota and Dalton when Bortles and Eli are available really makes me question his sanity. Speaking of insanity, two defenses went off the board. Wait, is there crack in the guacamole?
Imran: Looks like the autodraft hit that crack pipe hard taking a defense and a kicker in rounds 7 and 8. Suck it robots. Nicole grabbing Willie Snead in the 9th was a nice pick, he could have a great season. Sunil is putting together the greatest team in 2012, with Woodhead, Gore, and Brandon Marshall leading the way.
Scott: Speaking of smoking things, he also grabbed Josh Gordon in the 9th, a potential gamble for a variety or reasons.
Imran: It ain’t a steal if no one wants ‘em.
6:34 pm - Autodraft kicks in hard, no fucks are being given.
Imran: This is where we separate the cheddar from the processed american cheese product.
Scott: That was a horrible analogy.
Imran: *eats feelings*
Rounds 10 - 14
Scott: Home stretch, and sleepers abound, and yet, kickers and defenses are flying off the board. Mo grabbing Michael Thomas late was great, he’s another Saints receiver who could be a great sleeper. Almost making up for her Round 1 pick, Sharan’s Darren Sproles pick up in the 12th also gets a thumbs up.
Imran: And a big thumbs down to James, who let Moose run his draft. Having Moose draft for you is like having Ray Charles as your Uber driver. You’ll get somewhere, but it’s probably not where you wanted to go.
Scott: Jordan’s been trying to draft Ray Rice for 6 rounds and it just isn’t working. Buddy, that ship has sailed.
Imran: Dejected, Jordan silently weeps into his Trent Dilfer jersey.
7:03 pm - Imran drafts Orleans Darkwa, Giants RB and All-NFL Name Contender with the 168th and final pick. AND WE’RE CLEAR.
Scott: Uh, what? Who the hell is that?
Imran: For the record, in my other league, I drafted OBJ in the 4th round in his breakout year. Everyone laughed at me then, so I’m hoping I can recreate some of that magic here. Scott: Yup, that pretty much sums it up.
Read it and weep (in some people’s cases), the CG Office Fantasy Draft 2016 is in the books. Stay tuned for updates all season long. Let’s play some football.