How To Eat Like A Champion This Thanksgiving

Fuck a 26.2 mile journey, a real test of manhood is surviving multiple Thanksgiving meals without puking. You may have to visit a lot of homes throughout the day, and making sure you’ve got the right eating strategy on this holiest of days is key. On this day, your body is a temple, and prayer starts as soon as you're hungry enough to eat. Dining for quality and quantity combined for what's essentially the marathon of gastrointestinal fortitude takes dedication and preparation. Training starts now, and you're under our tutelage up until the big day.

If you're not working out, it's time to start. The more energy your body burns, the more fuel it needs and the hungrier you'll get when it's showtime. This goes for day of as well, once your metabolism is revving like a ‘Mustang you’ll be in peak form for a day of triumph. Running and bicycling are cool, but the real calorie killing is in High Intensity Interval Training and lifting burnout style using the larger muscle groups (think deadlifts and back squats). This shit ain't for noobs, so if you're just starting out, workout under the supervision of your handsomer, more swole friends. Even if you go hard for a week, it's enough to work up a larger than usual appetite.

An easier option to increase your eating cardio is working your way up in volume. Eat through the pain and give up dreams of that sick ass six pack. For now. Mix savory foods with sweet to keep your tongue guessing, and forget any flavored drinks unless they're zero calories. Zero calorie flavoring for drinks will actually help cleanse the palate a little and cut into the massive amounts of salt used for the Turkey Day spread, so pack it just in case. Booze is fine, it’s going to enhance your meal but be smart, you don’t want to be blacking out during game time. Each meal you eat counts, so smashing on your plate until you're legit full is the goal. Spread this out over more than a few days and your stomach capacity should increase at least a little, and every little bit helps. Don't eat until you're ill though. Taste aversion is real and you'll look like a tool if you're crying at a Boston Market because you can't deal with the smell of mashed taters. On that note, incorporate Thanksgiving style foods into each meal to get you used to the tastes and smells you'll be dealing with the day of.

Part of the weeklong pregame prep is cook reconnaissance. Find out who's cooking, what their skill set is looking like, and what their specialties are. Part of Thanksgiving is shmoozing family members, so if a particular aunt/grandma/mom/cousin’s stuffing game is hot garbage, focus on the turkey and gravy. If her whole culinary game is mad weak, fix a small ass plate and blame a hard night of boozing on your lack of appetite, but compliment her anyway. Stay in her good graces, you never know when you might need her help. If you can't afford a nice bottle of wine, offer to help clean up or arrive early to set the table. Don't dine and dash without offering up some help. Leave that to the dickhead in-law that nobody can stand.

Post massacre, your eyes gonna be heavier than a happy hour stripper. Coffee is a must, as is working off some of that food rocking to the #unameit challenge. If you play your cards right, you might even have to hail an Uber off the strength of the food being too lit. Prepare for that up charge though, that Thanksgiving surge is no joke.

As you wake up Friday morning you’re no doubt going to have a carb hangover but nurse yourself back to health with a strong cup of coffee and a smoothie, you’ve got leftovers to tackle. As you hammer back that leftover turkey sandwich take pride in your performance, you crushed another marathon due to your dedication, preparation, and sheer force of will. You ate like a champion on this day.

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