Office Hero: How To Win The White Elephant Gift Exchange

The hardest gift you will buy this holiday season is for your office White Elephant Gift Exchange. The pressure to buy something for someone you probably don’t know (or hate) is worth a couple of Xanie’s and we know how valuable those are this time of year. A gag gift is a good idea — if you can pull it off. A good one is fun and whimsical, an ice-breaker to thaw out the chill of an awkward mandatory work event. Just don’t put more focus on the gag than the gift because no one likes THAT GUY who brought the canned unicorn meat that ends up in the garbage with the wrapping paper. The best ones are humorous AND functional (bonus points for innuendo). So don’t click “purchase” for the Hands-Free Beer Drinking Helmet on Amazon and check out this list we’ve compiled just in time for your holiday shopping.

The Selfie Toaster
To: The Egomaniacal Boss
Is there any better way to butter up your boss than letting him/her indulge in their narcissism every morning by stuffing their faces with literally their own faces? The made-to-order toasters use custom heating inserts crafted from a submitted photograph (dig up your boss’ 1990s acting head shot) to brand the gift receiver’s smug mug onto one-side of toast. The Selfie Toaster retails at $75, but the look on your boss’ face on the toast will be priceless. We even wrote-up the suck-up card inscription for you: “What’s the greatest thing since sliced bread? Sliced bread with your face on it.”

Black Box Wine
To: The Marketing Manager Drunk
Alcohol is a gimme gift. Fine for a dinner party, but if you want to impress you’re co-workers think outside the box… as in boxed wine, because nothing says class like cardboard. These portable party wines cost less, keep longer and you never have to worry about a broken-cork party foul. The boxed craft wine industry is actually blowing up because companies like Black Box save on glass packaging, which is poured back into the quality of their award-winning wines. One box will run you less than $25, plus it holds about 4 bottles.

The Scrote 'N Tote Backpack
To: The Dickhead From Accounting
This backpack is literally nuts. A picture of this hairy back-sack went viral after its creator, Daniel Britton, wore it to a concert and got an online shoutout from Ludacris. Inspired by the rabid response, the Canadian (what else) law student, raised over $12 K in an IndieGoGo campaign. The low-hanging backpacks were sculpted by a prosthetic make-up artist with actual IMDB credits so they’re incredibly (too) real. The company website describes them as “sturdy, functional and durable,” but there’s nothing about a guarantee that it won’t stick to your sweaty back on hot, humid days. You can get one now for $69, but the prices goes up to $120 for the holidays. Can you believe the balls on this guy?

Prison Ramen Cookbook
To: The Fresh-Out-Of-College Newbie
In college, we survived on Top Ramen so could save up for weekend beer money, but behind bars, instant noodles can mean actual life or death. Ex-con, Gustavo “Goose” Alvarez, was inspired to write this book after witnessing a race riot in Chino Penitentiary that was stopped when the inmates broke bread (or in this case noodles) instead of each other’s skulls. Alvarez’s co-author and childhood friend (actor Clifton Collins) enlisted celebrity buddies who have done real time (Samuel L Jackson, Danny Trejo, Taryn Manning) to contribute to 65 original ramen recipes with names like The Jailhouse Hole Burrito (note: Shia LaBeouf’s Egg Ramen Salad Sandwich actually sounds edible). The hard-luck stories behind each recipe make it more of a chicken soup for the (dark) soul than just a novelty cook book.

Shoot It Again Basketball Set
To: The Office Fantasy Sports Guy
The corporate world can be competitive so why not settle rivalries like we did when we were in fourth grade? Shoot It Again Basketball gives you the opportunity to go at it like Steph Curry versus Lebron James with this height-adjustable, Nerf mini-hoop that turns any office into a basketball court. The automated, rotatable, ball-feeding system also allows you to work on your game by shooting the foam basketball right back at ‘ya, so you don’t even have to get out of your Ergonomic desk chair, which is a lot more fun than tossing crunched up spreadsheets in the trash can as you yell “MAKE IT RAIN!".