Ruin Your Sunday: NFL Week 5

Ah, Sundays. Ice cold beers, crispy wings, the sound of your friend’s soul being crushed thanks to your malevolent and creative shit talking, and yes, the source of all the joy and pain, football. No matter how awesome a game-watching day is, there’s no doubt that a hell of a lot of you are suffering through a range of NFL-related indignities and shame. With the glory of winning comes the sweet and delicious pain of defeat and embarrassment. Let’s celebrate it, welcome to Ruin Your Sunday.

More Like I Don't Believeland
As my dad used to say, “First prize, a two-day trip to Cleveland! Second prize, a three-day trip to Cleveland!” No football fans suffer more than those irrepressible souls in the Dawg Pound. If your 2016 season and weed-related woes weren’t enough, Week 5 handed you a nice shit sandwich when you had to deal with a pissed-off Tom Brady returning (triumphantly?) from suspension, and an extra cranky-as-hell, post-shutout Bill Belichick. Brady lit up the dumpster fire that Cleveland calls a defense for a brutal 406 yds passing, 3 TDs, and one savage (ok, lame) first down pose that’s going to launch 1000 memes. Yup, it’s official, Brady is back and he gives zero fucks.

Romo? More Like No Mo
Speaking of other QB's whose Sundays got ruined, that soft weeping you hear coming from suburban Dallas is definitely Tony Romo. After another stellar game and the increasingly solid rapport with fellow rookie phenom Zeke Elliot (Editor’s Note: Our CEO and die-hard ‘Boys fan demanded I update this to “rookie phenom and NFL RUSHING LEADER Zeke Elliot), Dak Prescott is making a strong, strong case to keep his starting job. Sorry Tony, better get used to that visor and clipboard look ‘cause your days are numbered. I guess millions of dollars, a hot wife, and a walker are going to have to be enough.

The Fantasy Nightmare
Remotes and iPhones were smashed all across this great nation after Julio Jones followed up a preposterous 300 yard fantasy day last week with a big ol' plate of hot garbage (29 yards receiving) on Sunday. You can’t not play him but you know you’re going to have heartburn all day (and not just from the jalapeno poppers).

The No Fashion League
Antonio Brown is quickly finding out that not only is Roger Goodell not a fan of twerking but he’s also a serious swag hater. For the fifth straight week, Brown’s been fined for his footwear choices, ($45,000 and counting!) and it’s quickly becoming apparent that Rog is not playing. No fun, no honoring legends, no Kardashian husbands. There’s a reason we're at "Peak No Fun League".

Locker Room Talk
Just kidding, we won’t go there…

San Diego Not-So Superchargers
Oh you know, just another week and another 4th quarter Charger collapse. It’s almost funny now. Just kidding, it fucking isn’t. The only hope left? Rivers bringing back the BOLO TIE OF WINNING!

Leave a comment

All comments are moderated before being published