The Modern Man's Guide To Posting On Social Media

There's an invasion going on, and shit has officially gotten real. We live in complicated times fellas, we’ve reached a point where folks who have access to a smart phones have officially gone off the rails with reckless social media-ing, treating it like a damn diary, characterized by regurgitated memes, ridiculous hot takes, or general fuckery. But it’s time to take a stand. Let’s check up on your social game and make sure you’re handling your biz in the right way. It’s time for sucker-free social media, here’s how to do it.

To begin, compartmentalize your accounts, starting with the Big Three (Facebook, Instagram, and Snapchat). Your Facebook feeds should probably be a little more traditionalist in nature, since it's the easiest form of social media to find people on and Human Resources might stalk your page on the low. You probably don't want your boss knowing just how lit the club was last night. Keep your page private, and your profile pic tasteful. Instagram goes well for posts regarding travel, food, and material possessions that you want to share with the world in picture or video format. Last but not least, you can let it ride on Snapchat, as long as you control your friends, there’s no real personal conduct policy on there, so anything goes. As maybe you’ve learned the hard way, just know the difference between sending a direct chat and sharing to your story, regardless of how many drinks deep you are. The last thing you want to do is Draymond Green yourself. The best part of the app is evidence deleting itself after 24 hours, and potential blackmailers who screencap your snaps get documented. React accordingly, and know that blocked Snapchatters tell no tales.

When it comes to the actual act of posting, treat your social media accounts like you would treat installations in a museum. Curate, curate, curate. That is, don't post for the sake of posting. We get it, you had awesome tickets to a concert. That doesn't mean you need to subject followers to 30 grainy videos of something that sounded better on Spotify. When posting on non-Snapchat apps, always ask yourself, "will this still be dope in a year or two?" or maybe even “How many food pics does everyone really want to see?” Substance rules everything, even with Instagram's new retarded algorithm. Post stuff that you believe will stand the test of time years from now, rather than a drunk selfie on your couch. Your followers know what you look like already, so knock it off. You want to be proud of your content years down the line when showing your grandkids how Pop-Pop used to get down.

A word on those humblebrags too. Look, nobody is immune, so embrace it, but every now and again, don't sprain your wrist patting yourself too hard on the back 3 times a week. If you've come across a huge steal or major purchase, stay humble, and tag your plug. Traveling somewhere amazing? Shout it out, but in a clever way. 85 pics from a Mexican beach or from the bottle service couch is just overkill. Act like you’ve been there before. Always give credit where it's due when flexing for the 'Gram, and keep in mind that no matter how big you're doing it, someone's doing it bigger. The purpose of social media is to be social, not to alienate your followers by acting like a douche of Bieber-like proportions.

On the topic of following and likes, ditch the thirst traps, plain and simple. Ladies conduct due diligence with amazing efficiency, and following a disproportionate amount of "models" selling detox teas is a red flag for them. So is liking a bunch of posts showing T&A. In case you didn't know, that gets out in the open too. If you really want to be a creeper online, commit IG names to memory and keep their accounts off of your following list. No unsolicited dick pics either. Even if you're being flirted with in the dms, that's not permission to give ole girl a shot of an eggplant emoji in real life. Have some class.

One final closing note, don't get caught up in frivolous arguments over knee jerk reactions. Full stop. Idiots are everywhere and arguing with a stranger over the internet is like competing in Olympic Race Walking. Yeah, you may win, but you still look like an idiot.

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